Tits!

Apparently I write “about some shit, man”, and besides the weed toking totally rad undertones, that statement is probably correct. This is why I want to say something meaningful, something which reigns true to all men, a message that can not be lost in the ages: something universal, something objective – Breasts are awesome.

It’s a well known fact that women have breasts, and it’s also well known that men are very jealous of that fact. Not that men want to have a chest full of fun bags, but we’re jealous of the owner ship. If it were possible to separate the woman from the breast, like some kind of sexual roast dinner, to excise the tits, liberate the love balloons, it would be a joyous day for mankind. But, even with advances in medical science, most of which seem to focus on penis enlargement and hair growth, the closest thing we have to purged melons are real dolls, and no one wants to be THAT guy. So, in lieu of self sufficient jugs, let’s take a look at some of the worlds best. Accessories included.

No post with the words breasts, or any synonym therein, could be considered a worthy post without dedicating at least a moment of silence to the queen of mammary glands, Salma Hayek.

Those are, as any self respecting man would agree, 2 of the most awesome milk cushions that have ever graced this round rock. They are so perfect that, as the legend goes, any man who stares directly at their naked perfection will go blind, deaf, and will be compelled to masturbate until the end of time itself. Not only are they the optimum size for motorboating, they are also natural, quite a genetic achievementt in this day and age.

Moving on, we have the slightly smaller, yet ever so perky, Scarlett Johansson. A different style to Hayek, Johansson’s breasts stand to attention like proud veterans, war heroes of the sexual age, they are timeless and everlasting in the eyes of any man who sets his gaze upon them. Her face isn’t that bad either, but honestly, who gives a shit?

Last, but by no means least, unless they all happen to be in some sort of 3 woman parade, in which case they definitely are least, are the toasted brown milk muffins of Halle Berry. Whilst certainly not the first choice in any wank fodder catalogue, they hold up in their own right (Take that one how you will). I certainly wouldn’t pass up the chance, and, if you have even half a testicle, neither would you. Lesbians, being against the will of Allah, do not count.

I suppose later on I’ll have to write a post about the ass, help balance out the universe. Good vs Evil? Nothing has ever seemed so trivial.

F is for Facebook, and L is for Loser.

Facebook is a social networking enviroment designed to help college students contact friends, organise events and procrastinate in lieu of completing that important project; it offers enhanced photo labelling software when compared to sites like myspace: users can label friends in photos, and those photos are then linked to a profile. However, it is less open in terms of profile customisation: most see this as a plus, with the a major complaint of myspace being that most people are retarded enough to think lime green text on a black animated gif background is considered “good design”.

The facebook platform was recently opened to developers, who can now create and release applications which interact with a users profile information to add functionality and generally provide a basis upon which to define oneself. Of course, most people abuse this freedom, and fill their profile pages with myriad boxes of useless crap – It has, in the past few weeks, degraded facebook to the point where Myspace is becoming a prefferable option.

The entire social networking movement, when done purely for social networkings sake, is an almost ridiculous concept: instead of meeting up with people in real life, we can now simulate real life through the use of bulletins and wall posts, photo tagging and Graffiti boxes – There’s nothing quite like meeting up with your friends in a group msn chat. Social networking makes sense when it revolves around something, news or websites or open source software, it makes sense to be able to share these things and be pointed to things you might enjoy by people of similar ilk; but when you look at website likes facebook, which exist soley to help people who could meet up in real life do the exact opposite, you have to wonder what the real motivation behind using it is.

When used sparingly to keep in touch with friends over long distances or keep others updated of your status, facebook makes perfect sense, but when people use it as a digital representation of their physical elves, one that all can see and judge, it begins to teeter on the edge of social delinquency, especially when you consider the controversy regarding facebooks privacy policy: you are being watched, but by who? And for what?

I deleted my facebook account, mainly because everyone I’d added as a friend, was someone I really didn’t want to see or talk to – Why did I add them, you ask? Well, I had important papers to finish. I don’t particuarly care what you do with your account, although I would recommend councelling if you check it within 5 minutes of waking, but if there’s one piece of advice I’d like to give you it’s this: get up, get out, and meet your friends in the big, bad world.

Art: It’s actually fun.

I’ve spent most of my life avoiding art, the tepid answers and ambiguous waffle, I simply wasn’t taken by it’s lack of solidity. I’m still, of course, utterly disillusioned by the lack of consensus on exactly what constitutes “good art”, but I do understand that relativity, as

always, is the key. It suprised me, then, to find that drawing can be a thoroughly relaxing past time, and one that can offer unlimited possibilties when you just can’t find any good porn.

This eye is, sans sleep artistry, my third attempt, and I think that in a way I have surpassed my stickman roots. The HB pencil and Bic biro were my tools, the tools of any true man, and a lined notepad I picked up from the local corner shop was the medium unto which my soul was bared, if you believe I have a soul. In any case, I think I’ll continue to draw, with the idea in mind that I may one day laugh in the face of paysites and pornotube: I shall become my own adult content God.

Linux, a complex windows fork.

Linux, for the uninitiated, is a fork of windows, designed on a bet between Bill Gates and Devil over whether something could be less user friendly than a VCR. Bill won.

There are few things which scream “I’m a nerd!” more than having Linux running on your home machine, unless it’s a server, in which case there are few things which scream “I REALLY am a nerd!” more. Fans of linux often sing praises of its power and versatility, which is all well and good until you realise that their definition of power is being able to compile their own kernel, and versatlity is the ability to find 100 different GPL variants of a program, none of which do the job in an intuitive fashion. The choice is welcome, but as Mr Stone and Mr Parker quite rightly pointed out, when the choice is between a Giant Douche and a Turd Sandwich, I’d rather not choose.

Linux users, as a rule, will oppose anything derogatory no matter how true it may be. They are set in their ways of bash, a rather arcane version of notepad used to exert nerdy prowess, X11 and bad drivers, the latter of which is not the fault of the Linux community, but it’s still a legitimate complaint. Windows users do not want to battle with a string of incomprehensible characters, backslashes and sudo commands whenever they want to install an obscure application; it may be more secure, but so is wrapping myself in bubble wrap and never leaving the house, but it complicate things exponentially. The solution for linux may lie with Ubuntu, which is the most intutive of the linux variants, but which still falls short of the ease of use of windows or mac osx.

A theme that has some semblance of professionalism would also help the cause greatly, users like to feel as though their OS was built by someone who knows what they’re doing and althoug the code may be well written, the user will never see it: a visual representation of good code is the beauty of the UI, and this is something that linux, by default, is certainly lacking.

Linux does have some benefits, but at the moment it is not, contrary to many of the louder internet voices, ready for mainstream, and it won’t be until the community begins paying attention the 30 somethings who want a slick UI, easy to install applications and hardware driver compatability that just works.

Quake Zero

Quake Zero is id software’s resurrection of that bastion of online gaming, Quake 3 Arena. It will be built around id’s Tech5 engine, a new creation of John Carmack which, if the video of rage, another new id game, is to be believed, is looking damn good. Quake Zero will be the missing link for many professional gamers, a revamped, re coded, revived version of one of the most popular multiplayer games ever to grace the complex system of tubes we call the Internet. id plans to make the game accessible through a web interface, which will display rankings, tournaments and other information to the player; the game will also require players to pass a training course of level, similar to that of America’s armies: the more experienced player will find this an annoyance, but the newbie, the lifeblood of any gaming series, will find a clear tutorial which teaches them the basics of weapon selection, strafe jumping and item collection invaluable in bringing the game to even a modest level of enjoyment

The major problem with the quake series is its age: anyone who was familiar with quake 1 2 or 3, is now what can be considered the “pwn” as far as any new player is concerned. New blood needs to be injected to any game if it is to survive in any recognizable fashion. Counterstrike is the epitome of this: any peon can pick up a mouse and grab a few lucky kills before mommy says it’s bed time, you can literally become an expert in a matter of months. Quake is different, quake is the chess to counterstrikes checkers, it’s a complex game which involves many levels of thought, and many months to attain even a modest increase in skill – This, combined with the large base of expert players, is enough to sour even the most enthusiastic of newbie. The phenomenon I’ve just described, is somewhat of a dirty secret in the Quake community: no one likes to admit it, but the game is dying, not because it sucks, but because no new players are joining.

id plans to integrate new features to combat this effect: players will be ranked and evaluated by web servers, and this information will be used to match the player with others of similar skill. Eventually, each player will settle into a band of skill, a group of players who are at a similar level to himself and who he can have enjoyable games with. However, this will only happen as more games are played, and in the beginning the game will rely heavily on community spirit, and the willingness of the more elite players to help out the lowly peon – If someone gets owned 50 – 1 in their first game, it is much more likely that they will give up and go play halo 3, than be motivated to improve their skill.

id also announced that they will be moving their distribution method online, via valve’s steam software. This is a strange move, given that valve and id are direct competitors, but a welcome one; while steam certainly has a few negative sides, it has far more positive ones: no need to find your cd box, or cd key, whenever you reformat or build a new computer; simultaneous release dates worldwide; a cheaters entire gaming portfolio, conceivably, could be deleted should he ever be caught, which would be a rather large deterrent given the cost of the average game; distribution costs, although it’s questionable as to whether the consumer will see any of it. But the main upside of this system, is that updates, map packs, mods, etc., can all be distributed from a centralized server, and be available to everyone who players the game, you will no longer have to visit google to find that obscure pk3 or 200mb mod file: it will, hopefully, be a seamless process that will please both hardcore fans and the more casual of players.

Quake Zero, combined with steam distribution, could mean the resurrection of the Quake series: A free game, based upon one of the most popular multiplayer games in history, available through steam, and bringing with it the community that surrounds id. If this game can run on lower end systems, the type that the average CS player runs, it has a clear shot at reviving the PC gaming scene, and prolonging the life of one of the most legendary gaming series in history.

The Allure of Apple.

Apple is a mystery to me, not because the their customers invariably want to fellate steve jobs, but because I seem to have an uncontrollable urge to own their products. The only explanation I can think of is that Mr Jobs has modified his reality distortion field to emit a signal similar to that found in the film “They Live”, my only hope then is to visit all the local chapels in hope of finding a pair of reality modifying sunglasses.

Maybe it’s the slick marketing, or the fact that their products are sexy, or maybe I’m just another materialist faggot who has more money than sense, but their truly is something unmistakable about Apple is a company. An essence, a soul, something that sucks you in and makes you want to buy every single piece of overrated, over priced, under powered piece of shit they bring out.

Apple seem to be able to generate an almost unbelievable amount of buzz around their products. The iphone and the ipod have both moved away from being technology products, and into the realm of cultural and generational identity: there are people who will, in the future, associate the ipod with an entire era, that’s quite an achievment for a product that only plays a handful of formats. The iphone is the premier example of Apples marketing machine: upon its release, there was not a technology website on the internet that did not, at least once, and often case numerous times, have iphone printed on their homepage.

I wouldn’t like to speculate about whether Apple’s bubble will burst, but I for one would be pleased if it does. I could sleep easier at night knowing that Steve Jobs will have no opportunity to force me into handing over thousands of pounds for a fancy package filled with second rate hardware.

Perhaps that is the true power of apple, they have realised that we, as human beings, are shallow, fickle, detestible human beings, who can not be trusted not to break things once we get out hands on them; so, in their wisdom, Apple desing tightly controlled, pleasing to the eye products, which the adoring public quickly jump on. We like Apple because we like pretty things, and in the end, if it looks like THAT, then who cares about function?

(I do, but gosh, it’s just so damn pretty. I think castration might help.)