Coffee is one of the most important substances on this planet. There are few who can deny its impact in the world of work, in the average human’s ability to wake, on the success of revels, or on the usefulness of incontinent monkeys: but still there are those who dissent. They are somtimes reffered to as tea drinkers, but the more accurate, technical, terminology is “inhuman scurge”. Tea is a liquid so vile that it once behoved a newly forming nation to dedicate an entire party to its destruction, so utterly disgusting that it must be kept in bags lest human eyes set there gaze upon it, so ungodly that there are entire supermarket sections dedicated to disguising its putrid taste. Often they will be named herbal or fruit teas, but really they are pathetic attempts to disguise tea’s true taste: which, as has been scientifically demonstrated by myself on more than one occasion, is enough to make a man vomit for 2 whole days.
Now, back to coffee, the black nectar through which genius and wakefulness are born. It would be impossible in this technological age, with the invention of electric lights which mask our true circadian rhythmns, with the prevalence of internet porn, and with the ability to order pizza at almost any hour of the day; with all this it would be made impossible for any sane man to be truly awake without some form of chemical stimulant. Many resort to heroin, but this is an inaffective solution as heroin makes one sleepy and often results in death, which is as far as wakeful states go definitley at the bottom. The smarter go straight to caffiene, and the smarter still buy machines which brew coffee constantly throughout the day. It is with this drug that the most productive of society find the strength to work from 9 – 5, masturbate from 5 – 9, and still leave room for 7 hours of epicurean delight.
I would suggest, nay insist, that coffee be given the title of greatest ever liquid, and were it possible to solify the very essence of coffee (perhaps in some form of ice sculpture), erect a statue of its magnifiscence for all the world to lay eyes upon. It is high time we recognised the important of coffee, its majesty, in our everyday lives.
